Holy Jesus what am I looking at? What is this supposed to be? Are you kidding me? I don’t remember ordering this. I think I ordered French onion soup, didn’t I?
Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you telling me this is what you pass off as French onion soup? That’s crazy! Have you ever seen French onion soup? Look kid, I know you’re not back there making it yourself, but seriously, you know what French onion soup looks like. Does this strike you as a delicious mix of onions and cheese and that brown broth and those crouton-like bread pieces? It does?! What the hell alternate universe did I just wander into?
What’s wrong with it?? Just look at it! First of all, is this American cheese?! It is, right? Are you insane? That would turn this whole enterprise into American onion soup or something, wouldn’t it? Unless my palate is as broken as the microwave you warmed this in, it seems like Kraft cheese slapped onto warmed-over whatever-the-fuck!
How should I know what type of cheese you use on French onion soup? Some sort of goddamn French cheese, I imagine!
And this broth – this is almost clear! It’s like you boiled onions – big honking hunks of onions, too – in dishwater and then dumped it into this handle-less coffee cup and rolled it out. Don’t you have a soup chef back there? A Soup chef, buy a restaurant guide, why don’t you?! Read Zagat much?!
And these are just crusts of bread floating in here! Wheat bread! Did this recipe come off a box of Velveeta? Because no self-respecting French onion recipe could possibly recommend what you’ve put in front of me. This is a culinary abomination. I wouldn’t feed this to my hamster. You should be ashamed.
No, you know what, just forget it. This is the last time I come to a Denny’s. Good day, sir!