Pitching My Teen Wolf Sequel

(My general opinion and thoughts about the seminal boy/wolf/baller film Teen Wolf greatly color my plans for a true sequel. While not necessary, reading my breakdown of the original film may prove enlightening for some.)

Teen Wolf“You know, there already was a sequel to Teen Wolf.”

“Seriously? Teen Wolf Too has about as much to do with the original Teen Wolf as that lousy MTV show does. No, I mean a real, honest-to-God sequel following the events of the first film. But, you know, set today, so that you can get the same actors.”

“Some of the same actors from the original were in Teen Wolf Too.”

“Shut up about Teen Wolf Too! Was Scott Howard in Teen Wolf Too? Was Boof?!”

“Okay, okay.”

“So, before you even ask, it looks like all the major cast members are still alive. A couple of them are semi-retired, but for the right price I’m sure we can put the gang back together, right? Mick, Chubby, Brad, Lemonade, Stiles – they’re all still with us! And Boof!”

“What about the old guy who ran the liquor store? Still gonna need to see some ID, sport.”

“Okay, yeah, that guy is dead, but I didn’t figure he’d factor into the sequel thirty years after the fact anyway! Will you let me tell you the idea now?”

“Okay, okay.”

“All right, so, the basic idea is – after the basketball game in Teen Wolf, how does the town move on? How does anyone involved get on with their lives? I mean, the last time Scott really wolfs out is at that dance. By that point everyone has accepted this werewolf is a part of their lives, mainly because he helps them win high school basketball games. But, what happens when the games are over, and now everyone is aware of a monster living in their neighborhood?”

“Okay.”

The great love story of our times

The great love story of our times

“Flash forward thirty years. I think the movie has to start with the end of Teen Wolf, maybe that ‘We’ll Win in the End’ song playing, 1985 at the bottom of the screen, then bang! Present Day. We open on Boof – Susan Ursitti – running some sort of boutique thing in town, on that same little main street as the Howard’s Hardware. We see she’s got some mild claw scars or something, neck or hands. Just as she’s about to close up – smash! Rock through the window! Kids shouting “Wolf lover!” or something – mean, derogatory. She acts resigned, this is something she’s used to. She looks down at her hand – there’s a wedding band mark, but no ring.

Harold Howard

Harold Howard

“Hardware store. Harold – James Hampton is still kinda active! – closing up, he’s an old man now, obviously. The hardware store’s front is in a bad state, graffiti’d repeatedly over the years, windows taped up, that metal netting trying to protect it. Boof comes in. They’re friendly. Chit chat. She says about her window. He’s also resigned to this. She says she has to get home to the kids and then asks how Scott’s doing. Howard says he doesn’t know.”

“I don’t get it.”

“What?”

“Why doesn’t he know?”

“Do you seriously think I wasn’t getting to that?”

“Just making sure.”

Stiles

Stiles

“Stiles – Jerry Levine! – he’s running a bunch of little things. Bootlegging DVDs, he’s got a same-day t-shirt printing business, pot dealing, all sorts of stuff. And he’s the same, hustling for a dime, cracking wise. Someone mentions the whole Wolfmania thing to him, and he blows it off as ancient history. We see in his garage, though, the dilapidated husk of the Wolfmobile.

Louis, with Stiles

Lewis, with Stiles

“Then it gets dark. Lewis- you remember Lewis? Matt Adler?”

“He’s married to Laura San Giacomo.”

“Right?”

“Well played, Lewis.”

“So Lewis- we start out in the dark, you can just hear his voice. He’s saying about the nightmare that has invaded the town for the past generation. Slowly it gets brighter and we can see him, just his face, extreme close up, angry, vengeful -”

“Lewis? He barely has any lines in the original.”

Before the dark times

Before the dark times

“Wait for it. He’s talking about how this used to be a nice place to live. But the psychological stress of knowing monsters are real and among us has crippled the community and driven crime and insanity way up.”

“This is a sequel to Teen Wolf, right?”

“Hang in there. So it pulls back. Lewis – suit and tie – carrying an axe. We hear another voice asking where Scott is now. Lewis says he doesn’t know, says no one does. There have been no wolf sightings in years, but everyone knows Harold Howard is a wolf too. There is a sharp cry from a different person. Lewis asks if they’re in. Camera turns and we see Vice Principal Thorne and Mick – Jim McKrell and Mark Arnold, still around! – and they are in!”

“Mick?”

“The guy from the other basketball team.”

“He still cares about Scott Howard?”

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

“Well, you see, he married Pamela, that tramp from that play that Scott banged, and he’s just hung up on it. He knows his wife threw him over for that freak for a while. Even now, all these years later, he wants revenge.”

“Meh. This doesn’t really work.”

“It’ll work! Now, menacing tone, danger at hand, the movie feels nervous and tense. You’re afraid for Scott. What’s going to happen when they find him, right? So, it’s late. Full moon. Car driving along through the woods. Family of four, little boy little girl in the backseat, pretty mom, sturdy looking dad. Car breaks down. Dad’s out on the road trying to fix it. Starts to rain a little. Mom comes out with an umbrella. Next thing – huge goddamn bears! Three bears rampaging out of the woods, threatening the family. This looks bad. Big bear lunges for dad when whoosh! It gets knocked off screen in a blur. We see the other bears turn to look where he went, roaring, mad. Out of the darkness emerges Scott – Michael J. fucking Fox in full on wolf regalia – a lot faster and stronger than when he was in high school. But also half gray, a little old. He cracks wise. ‘What, couldn’t find a picnic basket?'”

“And he’s taking out a bunch of bears single-handed now?”

“He’s getting up there, we’ve established. You get the impression that maybe twenty years ago he’d handle these bears, but now…So, vicious throwdown with the bears, family cowering, scared for their lives. Do they want to deal with the bears or the werewolf? Scott still making jokes, even though it’s a tough fight. Two bears out of commission, but the last one has the advantage. Pins Scott down. It looks grim. When all of a sudden – wham!”

“What??”

movie_209-2“K.O.! Boxing glove appears from the side of the screen, putting the bear out cold. We pan over and see – Todd Howard! Jason Bateman! Full on wolf wearing boxing gloves!”

“You’re kidding.”

“That’s just the set up! It’s an epic story, really.”

“So this is a sequel to Teen Wolf and what? A sequel to Teen Wolf Too at the same time?”

“I didn’t want you to keep going down the Teen Wolf Too path and spoil the big reveal for yourself! I figure we don’t even have Bateman in the promotional materials, huge surprise he turns up in the film!”

“…you know, it could just work. What do you call it?”

“Oh, well, knowing what you do about the twist – Teen Wolf Twooooo, obviously.”

“How about Adult Wolf?

“That’s kinda terrible, but maybe.”

1 Comment

Filed under humor, Movies

One response to “Pitching My Teen Wolf Sequel

  1. Hahaha.

    That’s all I’ve got. Thanks for this gem. Sorry I missed it ’til now.

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