Look everyone, I know you’re scared. You’re confused and bewildered by the bombardment of conflicting information from your Facebook friends, and you’re not sure where else to turn. Some of you are uninsured, unemployed, left-handed, and short. You’ve got year-old shoes and month-old cheese, and Wheel of Fortune doesn’t seem to be interested in allowing you to vowel your way to riches. This is a frightening time. Well, I’m here to help.
Due to my job, I’m in a unique position to fill the gaps in your knowledge and answer your questions about healthcare, government, and America (For those who aren’t aware, I work in the bandage and poultice industry, mainly as a lab rat). Here are some concerns that I’ve heard:
Q: “The government shut down! What does that mean?”
A: The government is little more than a series of offices and cash registers, both of which are temporarily shut. Money can still be yanked from those registers, but it requires more safe-cracking skill.
Q: “Will I still get my mail?”
A: Nope. The Post Office is run by a general, generals are part of the military, the military is part of the government. So kiss your catalogs and credit card bills goodbye!
Q: “Do I still have to pay taxes while the government is shut down?”
A: Hell no! Are you kidding? The government is closed and you’re supposed to be funding what exactly? The cops? The fire department? The Senate kickball squad’s new cleats? There’s nothing still operating that needs your money, so stop shoveling it to Washington. This includes sales tax, so throat punch any clerks demanding it from you.
Q: “What is still open?”
A: Basically Dairy Queen. That’s about it. Hell, even you’re off work tomorrow, right?
Q: “What are you talking about?”
A: Everyone is off work tomorrow! Didn’t you hear? Oh, your employer didn’t tell you that, did they? Sure, because they’re in the pocket of Big Shutdown! So tomorrow, just stay home! Or go invade a public park! The National ones are closed, but the hell with that, just jump the barricade. The guards are all home anyway. Free admission everywhere with low fences!
Q: “Am I safe during a government shutdown?”
A: It depends what you mean. Financially you’re fine. Those sons of bitches politicians can’t rape you while they’re all on hiatus, so in that column mark down a huge win for yourself. On the other hand, physically, you’re in a terrifying amount of danger, especially if you live in the murder capital of the United States like I do.
Q: “Wait a minute, where are the cops? The National Guard?”
A: The National Guard is and always has been a myth, and the cops are part of the government, aren’t they? Firemen, too. So, law has been temporarily suspended during the impasse. Don’t leave your homes unarmed. On the other hand, if you ever wanted to live out your best riot fantasy, now’s the time! Get out there with your torches and bricks and conquer your city!
Q: “Do I have health insurance or not?”
A: That is a good question. It’s sort of key to the whole issue, isn’t it? So, if you had health insurance before, you’re going to have to give it up for the time being. It’s only fair. If you didn’t have health insurance, you’re in the same terrifying boat as always. And so long as the government is closed for business, with no one insured and no doctors working anyway, the whole healthcare issue vanishes like your 401K circa the summer of 2008. Ah, bliss!
Q: “What if I get sick?”
A: Well hell, what if your family gets attacked by the mobs of rioters while taking out the trash? Shit, if you’re going to worry about every little possibility, you’re going to have a very hard time enjoying the glorious mayhem taking place every sundown for the next few days. Buck up, you’re an American, you can deal with a little discomfort.
Q: “Can I get a gun at this late hour?”
A: Again, this is America, and Indiana is right there. Just go grab one. I’ll pause the DVR, you’ll be gone all of ten minutes by my estimation.
Q: “If WWII veterans can reopen the WWII Memorial by showing up, can’t we get them to reopen the government the same way?”
A: Absolutely. Round up as many WWII vets you know who don’t need healthcare, and we’ll storm the hill together! I’m all for it! Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, Whigs, Communists, Atheists, Glee fans, Protestants – meet me at the National Mall! We’ll take back the country behind the Greatest Generation!
A: Fuck no. Just stock up on water and ammo and wait for the taxman to show up. He’ll be first to appear after the crisis, like postbellum carpetbaggers, because the economy may well be firmly in the shitter at that point, and nothing gets it back on its feet like super taxation, and maybe a solid, robust war.
That’s my advice! Good luck out there! And don’t get sick!