What’s going on, person? Having a rough go of it? Things not working out quite as planned? Life using you for the sorry, depressed bag of mixed feelings and disappointment you’ve convinced yourself you are? Falling up just short all the time, and not sure what to do?
Well welcome to the bell-ringing, Smitty! I’m here to tell you that you can improve whatever it is you want to by following these simple steps! Hi, I’m a hugely well adjusted and successful individual at things I want to be well adjusted and successful at. And I can share with you my tips for living life that will jump you up multiple levels in your personal growth! The heck, you say? That’s not possible if I don’t know what it is you suck at so badly? Incorrect, amigo! And I’m somewhat offended that you would’ve thought that I didn’t think of that!
Step #1 – Wake Up Earlier
That’s right, no matter what it is you want to do, the odds of doing it better improve if you wake up earlier. Even if you suck at going to bed at night, that will turn around if you simply get up in the morning. Now, you might say, “But shit, I already get up at the crack of dawn!” Well that’s not my problem! Earlier gives you more time to do more things, to practice whatever it is you’re doing, to be somewhere before someone else, to get the drop on the nightwatchman before his shift ends, to get that first McMuffin of the day, whatever! Earlier is always better. Take whatever it is you need to do better, and imagine being able to apply more time to it. That’s vast upgrading your life right there.
Step #2 – Read More
“Read more?!” you might say. “How the hell will that help me with my lack of muscle tone?” Hang your whining, chump! Even if the areas of your life needing enhancement don’t possibly relate to the written word, reading more will help you a) learn more about whatever the hell you’re doing b) correspond more effectively with other sorry harlequins participating in your activity c) help you wind down after said activity is complete and your mind is all aflutter d) understand the world around you better, those in it, what they do, why you should do what you’re doing, and the after effects documented throughout history for those attempting the goofy shit that you currently are. Read what? That’s your burden! But the written word is goddamn everywhere, on every subject, so no excuses.
Step #3 – Don’t Put That in Your Mouth
“What? Don’t put what in my mouth?” That! Whatever the hell it is you’re hiding behind your back or you’ve squirreled away in the high cupboard, thinking no one will find out. Don’t do it! Your body is a machine ill equipped to deal with that sloppy yuck running through it. That poor old ticker of yours isn’t going to last forever, and that pile of egg noodles you call a brain is so fickle that any little thing you ingest has direct effects on your shaky mental agility. You want to improve at something, even if it doesn’t directly required an Olympian physique? Well you’re going to need to fight off the sluggishness or hyper-caffeination or total inebriation or stoned-like-Cheech state you’re in. So put that goddamn thing down! Are you kidding me?!
Step #4 – Take a Nap
“Didn’t you just say to get up earlier? Now you want me to go back to sleep?” Don’t get smart with me, wisenheimer! Yes, getting your lazy ass out of bed is a key element to doing better, but overworking that poor rickety melon of yours isn’t going to help anyone in anyway, including yourself! So go take a nap, Jesus! What, the rest of us should put up with your crabby attitude while the candle is burning on all sides and your personal quest for greatness continues? The hell with that! We don’t even like you that much! But after a nap, and if you bring us some cookies, well, you’re back to aces in our book, pal!
Step #5 – Stop With All the Dumb Lying
What’s held you back up until now? Why aren’t you already doing all your shit better? What is missing from your life that couldn’t enable you to be whipping the world’s ass and declaring yourself undisputed suzerain of your day-to-day? It’s all the lying! Lying to yourself, or maybe to a lesser degree lying to others. Not maliciously, not like you’re saying “That bridge is safe” when you know it’s a death trap. You’re telling yourself that you’ve done your best, there’s no other avenues left available to you, that all possibilities have been exhausted, that leads were pursued and no better courses of action were hit upon. Lies! There’s always a better way! There are always options! You want to do better at whatever? It only requires the will to admit to yourself that you’re a lying sack of mendacity and get up earlier tomorrow! The rest falls into place from there!
Thus endeth the lesson, bitches! The litany of people who have followed my steps for improvement is incredibly short as people like sleeping in and eating cake. Are you prepared to join the list of those doing better? Do better today! Well, tomorrow – you already woke up today, presumably.
The author is not a motivational speaker, or in any way trained or educated in psychology or self-improvement. But let’s face it, most of this (and all self-help) is pretty obvious, am I right?