While rummaging through the junk drawer today, looking for uncorroded AA batteries with which to get the Tickle Me Elmo cavorting again, I came across this ol’ blog, tucked squarely beneath the program for a lackluster staging of The Glass Menagerie I dragged friends to in the summer of 2014. Oops! Sorry, folks! I was totally gonna run for president last year and everything! Completely forgot! Could’ve saved us all a lot of trouble!
But I’m more ashamed of how I let the mailbag fill up in these years away, mostly spent in failed experiment to get a solid Twitter following going and then bilk those jokers with $1.99 miracle cures for balding/impotence/senility/strict Bible interpretation guides. Didn’t work! Still broke, and the world still suffers, albeit with cash still in pocket! Continue reading
The author, listening to the wisdom of the ornaments
Hoo boy! It has been one whirlwind of a year, choked full of excitement and wonder, and cookies and vomiting! At this time of the year, I feel it is best to reflect on the triumphs and epic follies of mankind through the prism of myself, because what is more mortal than making it all about yourself? Come with me, will you, as I trek down the memory lane of our shared experience as human beings in this grand and majestic two-thousand thirteenth year since something or other happened that banished poor B.C. forever!
What ‘chu talkin’ about, Reaper?
Okay, so, January was a long time ago now, so I can’t really be expected to remember every little detail from eleven months ago, can I? Jeez. The only distinct thing I recall is that we lost one of the brightest lights in the entertainment firmament – Conrad Bain left us too soon, at the age of 89. Goodbye, Mr. Drummond! Continue reading
The world (or maybe just my collection of Facebook friends) was stunned and saddened last night by the fiery, car-crash demise of actor Paul Walker, famous (pretty much solely – let’s face it) for riding shotgun in the series of Vin Diesel Fast and the Furious films. Not surprisingly, this instantly vaulted him to the top of the hastily re-polled survey, “The Most Ironic Deaths in the History of Everything.” Congratulations, Paul Walker!
Previous title holders include:
Redd Foxx, who suffered a fatal heart attack on the set of his early ’90s sitcom The Royal Family. Foxx famously would imitate a heart attack in his role as Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son, so the cast and crew present at his demise thought this was a gag. Continue reading
“Look over here, sarge.” Flopkens crouched by the dead grass. “Here are the poor bastard’s eyes.”
Sergeant Pearson waddled over, all three hundred pounds of gut and toupee, and peered down. Sure enough, there on the green – blue eyes. Two of them.
“What the hell.” The sergeant moaned and plopped down on the sod. “What sort of perverted monster takes a man’s eyes?”
“Well, they’re here. They weren’t taken very far, anyway.”
“We don’t know that. Where’s the rest of…” The sergeant checked the notes. “Pete? He was a caddy, correct?”
“That’s what that dumb pro shop guy Curt told me. Pete Pearl. 22. Syracuse. He’s probably under the cart.” Continue reading
Filed under humor, Writing
The Regular Tomato in its heyday
Here we present the long lost transcript of Slappy Shineman’s historic stand-up routine from the opening night of The Regular Tomato – the nation’s first comedy club, which occupied the building at 18th and Buchanan from 1926 to 1959. It changed hands frequently over the next thirty years, most recently serving as a Planet Hollywood (closed in 2009), and in a disregarded basement closet thought filled with rats and cholera, a treasure trove of dated comedy was discovered! Enjoy!
(October 8, 1926 – Full audience, opening night, full bar hidden on second floor, bulls not giving us any malarkey tonight. Sidney Jefferson Abraham MC)
Sid: Hello ladies and gingersnaps, welcome to opening night at the Regular Tomato! Continue reading
Filed under History, humor
[The previous account of Stevie and his clones can be found in Me and My Nineteen (Remaining) Clones]
18 November 2025 – These have been some dark times for me and my eighteen clones. No, not because Fredward’s aorta went up like the Challenger – it’s November, and these jerk clones never let one pass without reminding me how I can’t grow facial hair worth a damn! Try as I might, after all these years, I still can only manage an ugly, inconsistent patchwork of clumps. I don’t even bother anymore, but these sons of bitches go all out for this Movember thing, just to jam it to me! Dicks! Even Hensonite! We figured he couldn’t possibly grow anything on his Muppety face – and look at that argyle beard of his! It’s amazing!
(seated, from left: #35 Tedward, Stevie, #4 Hensonite, #9 Tomfoolery; standing, from left: #14 Kevincible, #46 Delano, #48 Magnus, #17 Matrick; wall: #40 Junior; table: #18 Georange)
What’s going on, person? Having a rough go of it? Things not working out quite as planned? Life using you for the sorry, depressed bag of mixed feelings and disappointment you’ve convinced yourself you are? Falling up just short all the time, and not sure what to do?
Well welcome to the bell-ringing, Smitty! I’m here to tell you that you can improve whatever it is you want to by following these simple steps! Hi, I’m a hugely well adjusted and successful individual at things I want to be well adjusted and successful at. And I can share with you my tips for living life that will jump you up multiple levels in your personal growth! The heck, you say? That’s not possible if I don’t know what it is you suck at so badly? Incorrect, amigo! And I’m somewhat offended that you would’ve thought that I didn’t think of that! Continue reading