Category Archives: Movies

Paul Walker’s Death Named Most Ironic Ever in Overnight Polling

Paul-Walker-Fast-and-Furious-WallpaperThe world (or maybe just my collection of Facebook friends) was stunned and saddened last night by the fiery, car-crash demise of actor Paul Walker, famous (pretty much solely – let’s face it) for riding shotgun in the series of Vin Diesel Fast and the Furious films. Not surprisingly, this instantly vaulted him to the top of the hastily re-polled survey, “The Most Ironic Deaths in the History of Everything.” Congratulations, Paul Walker!

Previous title holders include:

Redd Foxx, who suffered a fatal heart attack on the set of his early ’90s sitcom The Royal Family. Foxx famously would imitate a heart attack in his role as Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son, so the cast and crew present at his demise thought this was a gag. Continue reading

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Pitching My Teen Wolf Sequel

(My general opinion and thoughts about the seminal boy/wolf/baller film Teen Wolf greatly color my plans for a true sequel. While not necessary, reading my breakdown of the original film may prove enlightening for some.)

Teen Wolf“You know, there already was a sequel to Teen Wolf.”

“Seriously? Teen Wolf Too has about as much to do with the original Teen Wolf as that lousy MTV show does. No, I mean a real, honest-to-God sequel following the events of the first film. But, you know, set today, so that you can get the same actors.”

“Some of the same actors from the original were in Teen Wolf Too.”

“Shut up about Teen Wolf Too! Was Scott Howard in Teen Wolf Too? Was Boof?!”

“Okay, okay.” Continue reading

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Louis Tully: An Appreciation

LouisTully_2069You want to be Peter Venkman. Venkman was the only cool guy in the entire movie. It doesn’t get much better than Bill Murray doing his thing at the expense of whoever he shares the screen with. Everyone agrees on this – if you played that game with a group of your friends (“If this was Lost, I’m clearly Charlie!”) about Ghostbusters, everyone hopes their friends would go “Well, you’d be Venkman.” But no, you’re not, you poor delusional slob. None of us are. We’re Louis Tully.

“What?” you ask, outraged. “Louis?!” Yes. Louis. Egon was a goddamn genius. You might think you’re smart, and you might well be, but you’re not Egon. You’re not even Ray. He was the top man in his field almost without question. He didn’t have Egon’s overall brilliance, but he was still the driving force in all their paranormal dealings. You are not the top man in your field. Face it and accept it. And Winston? The paycheck Ghostbuster? No, you’re better than that. Come on! I mean, in the grand day-to-day soul crushing grind, maybe we all collectively identify best with Winston, but deep down, heart of hearts, in your soft squishy soul made of hopes and nougat, you’re Louis Tully, CPA. We’re all Louis Tully. And it’s high time we acknowledge it. Continue reading

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I Dated a Fugitive From a Chain Gang

It was in the brisk November of 2011 when I lost her again to Johnny Law.  This was six months after her daring side-of-the-highway, tilling-the-fields-with-a-pickaxe escape in rural Kansas (is there any other type of Kansas?), and almost a full year since she first became known as inmate #78725439429 in the correctional system.

We had a darling little relationship before then, inmate #78725439429 and me.  We lived high on the hog in the Hog Butcher to the World, as Carl Sandberg so romantically put it.  It was a different time back then – we were still innocent youths, unfamiliar with prison visiting hours and making weapons out of contraband Oral B toothbrushes.  As Archie Bunker sang, those were the days.

Until that fateful evening when the long arm of the law reached across the Mississippi, up through the backwaters of Missouri, stopped off for a quick visit in the Illinois state capital to see Lincoln’s boots, and then continued on north, unfazed by boredom, corn fields, or fireworks advertizing.  It plunged its meaty claw into the seedy underbelly of the great city, finally scratching its way to our doorstep – more a barnacle on the underbelly than any sort of pustule or abscess.  She was summarily plucked away – guilty as the pecan be crunchy, mind you – and spirited back to America’s heartland.  I was left bereft of my convict main squeeze. Continue reading

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Summer 2009 Movie Box Office Predictions Bound to Fail Horribly

By and large, predicting box office grosses is nearly impossible.  I think I can ballpark what a film might do as well as anyone, and still you get things bombing or blowing up against all logic and reason.  As well as anyone thought The Dark Knight would do last year, no one figured it to be the second highest grossing movie of all time.  No one.  Just like no one saw Titanic doing what it did in 1997. 

 

bigmashupNow last year, going into the summer, I did say – to those who would listen, which weren’t many folks – that I thought you’d see seven movies gross over $200 million, and six of them actually did – TDK, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Iron Man, Wall-E, Kung Fu Panda, and Hancock.  The one that didn’t was the surprising disappointment Prince Caspian from the Narnia series.  So, with this as rousing proof that for once I sort of knew what I was doing, I would like to impart that onto this summer’s crop of films as well. Continue reading

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The Oscar Winners of Tomorrow!

This will be a slightly different post than my seven loyal readers are used to here at K.U.  Nary a mention of misspelled tornadoes or unborn babies will crack the entirely serious list I’m going to lay on you here.  Just thought I’d preface what follows with this disclamer.

oscars1As some of you may know, I’m kind of into the Oscars.  I like movies, and the other movie awards out there are kind of crap, let’s face it.  The Golden Globes?  Garbage!  People’s Choice?  Worthless!  MTV Movie Awards?  Horrible!  So while the Academy Awards are largely self-congratulatory nonsense, they are the best thing going, that gets aired on television anyway.   I like hearing what the critics choose in their various groups in December, but until they start airing them on TV with pointless dance routines accompanying, they will not get the same attention from this guy.

So a few years ago, after pouring over some lists and plumbing the depths of my memory, I came up with a list of actors and actresses who had never won but I figured would win an Oscar in the next eight years.  I thought this would make for an interesting study of the awards and how well they can be predicted, as I think I know a little bit about them.  Well, over the course of the last two awards shows now, three of those folks have won, two just the other night.  Kate Winslet, who I had at #1 on the original list, finally got hers, as did Heath Ledger (the list made well before he died), who was somewhat further down.  The third, and the one I was most proud of at the time, was last year’s Best Supporting Actor, Javier Bardem, who your average person had never heard of before No Country For Old Men.  He wasn’t high on my list, but he was there, and I felt good about myself. Continue reading

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Reckoning Day Has Arrived for Santa and Rudolph

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is decidedly average.  Yes, I’m talking about the Rankin/ Bass, claymation Rudolph, with Hermie the aspiring dentist elf and Yukon the man mountain prospector and the Abominable Snow Monster and all that jazz.  It’s really average.  Heck, I’d be tempted to go so far as to say it’s not terribly good at all, if it weren’t for Burl Ives as the snowman narrator and the fun songs.  But the work as a whole?  Not the best.

 

Now, hold on a second, before you go darting away from this blasphemy, hear me out.  The main problem when tackling any subject so famed and beloved is that a) everyone has already seen it, so no one is really reading your review to decide whether or not they should watch it and b) for the most part, everyone has seen it a thousand times, and thus lost any objectivity toward the subject.  So step back for a second and imagine this is the first time you’re hearing this story.  Take the song out of the equation as well, and just focus on this cracked tale of the North Pole. Continue reading

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